11 Best Books On Attachment Theory for Parents, Therapists + Relationships

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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep– Love

By Amir Levine M.D. and Rachel Heller M.A.

Attachment theory often centers around the parent-child relationship, but in this simplified modern take, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller examine the role science places in our romantic relationships.

While a dating book may seem a little odd for parents looking to better understand attachment theory, it's actually a really important area to evaluate as our relationships become our children's schema and can ultimately dictate what all of their relationships will look like.

Through this book, you will learn what attachment theory is, and how to use it to find and keep love by understanding which of the three main styles (avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style, or secure attachment style) you and others embody in relationships.

Attached does a great job of helping you understand how your past helps shape your relationship with yourself and others. This self awareness gives you the tools to model and build strong relationships for yourself and your children. It gives you a much deeper perspective than just understanding love languages. The book provides quizzes, insights, and case studies to help you build a path toward finding love and also improving your current relationship(s).

NOTE: This book is a very simplified look at attachment styles and does not get into the abusive nature any of the styles can ultimately take on or the disorganized attachment style. It's definitely an introductory look at these dynamics in relationships.

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Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

by Lindsay Gibson, clinical psychologist

I read this book in 2018 when pregnant with my first child and it was incredibly insightful and helpful in healing my own paret-child relationship.

So many of us have difficult parents that lead to our own attachment issues and this book is a proactive look at understanding your experience and healing from it.

I think a huge thing to note about this book, which is never discussed in it, is the fact that we often mimic the very same behaviors we are trying to heal from. Meaning for this book to truly be effective, I highly suggest reading it through the lense of “oh yes, I see how my parents did that, AND I see how I'm doing it too now…” You will never be able to change your parents, but you can change your awareness to how you've unknowingly adopted their behaviors and heal that.

This was one of several books we used to create our parenting manifesto for our family; which has become the cornerstone of our parenting and a helpful guide to lean on during hard times.

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Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love

by Robert Karen

Becoming Attached by Robert Karen is probably one of the more dense books on attachment theory, as it walks you through quite a bit of the history on how the controversial work of British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, and American developmental psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, launched this attachment based revolution in child psychology we see today.

We still thing it's worth the read, especially for those who like to understand how historic lenses bias modern suggestions and want to skip reading Bowlby's actual work.

With a deep foundation and understanding on the history in place, Karen goes on to examine how the early parent-child bond shapes who we become in life – from our personality to the relationships we have as adults – Karen tackles some of the most pertinent questions many parents often wonder about.

For instance, many parents today are faced with having to send their young children off to daycare before they (both the parent and child) may feel ready. He looks at ways parents can manage the potential negative effects of situations like this. As well as how parents can instill a positive sense of self and lay a foundation for healthy relationships within their children.

Parents will be called to reflect upon their own childhood and life through Karen's difficult questions about yourself, your childhood, and your connection with your child(ren).

NOTE: this book was written in the 90s and does have a pretty strong Freudian undertone that may not resonate with more progressive ideas today.

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Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families

by Susan M. Johnson

This is a great attachment theory book for therapists, or those interested in psychology, which teaches practical ways to apply attachment theory in therapy.

The book looks at how emotion focused therapy (EFT) is backed by attachment theory and provides chapter after chapter of practical advice on implementing with families, couples, and individuals in psychotherapy.

It's definitely not a book for the average person, but a great read for counselors, therapists, etc. as it's backed by a lot of science and a more scholarly tone.

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Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive

by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.

Parenting from the Inside Out is a great book in the mindful parenting space as the title suggests; however it's quite a heavy read.

Child psychiatrist, Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and early childhood expert, Mary Hartzell, M.Ed come together to offer a step-by-step approach to understand their own childhood and life stories and the direct impact of that shapes our parenting. This book is backed by a lot of attachment research and new findings in neurobiology and how communication impacts brain development; which makes it a denser read for the layperson.

Readers will learn how to identify and understand the repeating generational patterns that cause us to become exactly like our parents, which we swore we would never do. It also does a good job of guiding and teaching the reader how to rectify any mistakes you made with your children, whether they be words you wish you never said, or actions you wish you could take back.

If you're the science/research backed type, you'll love this book. If not, we suggest The Whole Brain Child instead, which is a more reader friendly neuroscience backed approach to conscious parenting; but incorporates attachment theory a bit less.

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Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore

by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, Bert Powell

Raising A Secure child is a breath of fresh air for today's parents who face unprecedented pressures of being “perfect” thanks to the rise of social media.

The authors look at how our striving for perfectionism, can actually lead to an insecure attachment. They walk you through how to balance the extremes of nurturing (coddling) or over protection to really support your child's independence.

Additionally, they help parents understand a toddler or older child's difficult behavior through the lens of unmet emotional needs. Lastly, they have you examine your own upbringing to gain insights through quizzes/checklists into how that shapes your parenting style and offer valuable tips on how to move forward with the new self awareness.

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The Attachment Theory Workbook

by Annie Chen, LMFT

If you're looking for a more interactive and actionable book on Attachment Theory and how it can be applied to your life then Annie Chen's Attachment Theory Workbook is a great choice.

This helpful handbook of attachment provides powerful tools from different exercises and questionnaires to understand your current attachment style and heal it by moving towards a deeper understanding and stability within yourself. This is one of the best self-help books for those who love concrete practices, and the ability to look back on how far they've come.

NOTE: Many of the exercises in this book rely on a “remember a time when…” format. For those who have experienced trauma, recalling memories can feel very difficult. Here's the good news people don't often talk about with this type of technique: it can literally be a time from earlier that day. Often times we feel this pressure to recall something from our childhood or years ago; but for these types of therapeutic techniques to be effective you just need anytime even if it was yesterday. If you can't think of something, simply place a bookmark there and keep your eye out for that situation over the course of the week. Typically when healing attachment styles, we see old dynamics play out regularly without even realizing it.

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Diary of a Baby: What Your Child Sees, Feels, and Experiences

by Daniel N. Stern

As a primary caregiver, it's normal to want a better understanding of what our babies are thinking and feeling when they don't have many ways of communicating. Daniel N. Stern is a recognized thought leader in infant development and psychiatry. In his book, Diary Of A Baby, he explores what it's like in a child's consciousness by bringing the baby's inner world forward through easy to understand explanations.

While some found the writing to be a little awkward, many rave about how Stern brings the reader through a journey with an infant from 4 months to 4 years old to better understand their perspectives.

This is a useful and fun read and will help you better understand how your words, actions and reactions help shape a child from the earliest day, and shape their attachment to you and others around them. Overall, you'll walk away with a better understanding as to why your baby may cry or engage in seemingly odd behaviors and the importance of attunement between you and your infant.

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Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

by Thais Gibson

A comprehensive, yet easy to follow, look at John Bowlby's attachment theory, in a modern way to help you heal current and future relationships in your life. We love that this book includes simple quizzes, summaries, and actionable strategies to reprogram your subconscious patterns and heal your romantic, platonic, and familial relationships.

As we know with attachment theory, our behaviors, the ability to have intimacy, and develop close healthy relationships is usually shaped by our childhood experiences. Thais Gibson combines traditional psychological methodologies with knowledge of subconscious patterns and more modern theories to provide meaningful tools to create significant changes and build a secure relationship with others.

You'll learn how to apply acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), cognitive behavioral theory (CBT), Gestalt, and other psychological techniques to your specific attachment style while learning how to meet your own needs in the healing process.

There are many simple truth bombs throughout this book we think can serve as daily reminders in the healing process too. For instance: “Most of us think that we are arguing about being right versus being wrong. The truth is, we are almost always arguing about being seen, heard, and understood by our loved ones.“

Securely Attached: How Understanding Childhood Trauma Will Transform Your Parenting

by Mike & Kristin Berry

Securely Attached is probably one of our favorite books for parents on attachment theory. While many others on this list do a recap and offer practical advice, few actually dive into the trauma often associated with insecure attachment styles.

While the authors wrote this book through the lense of their experience as foster and adoptive parents, it offers valuable insights for everyone. The insights found in this book are backed by medical facts and validated therapeutic techniques, but it's written from the perspective of a parent making it an easy read.

In this you'll discover how trauma changes the brain and identifying trauma induced behaviors and attachment disorders. Additionally, this book covers how to advocate for your child and getting help you need to navigate creating a safe, supportive, and secure attachment.

Though this book is definitely geared towards fostering and adopting, the reality is we all have varying degrees of trauma in our life that can impact how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world at any given time. If you can keep that in mind while reading, you will find it's a really good book with lots of valuable insight in reparenting yourself or your own children who have been through tough times.