3 Things To Avoid When Selecting Books Carefully For Toddlers, Preschoolers, + Babies

Wondering why it's important to select books carefully for preschoolers and younger children? Psychology and neuroscience show us that from birth to 6 years old, the child's mind is developing it's unconscious and subconscious beliefs. These beliefs will completely shape their view of themselves, the world, and others. Below, you'll discover the three questions I ask myself when selecting books carefully for toddlers, babies, and preschoolers.

Whether the books we read at this time are intended to be educational (i.e. 123s, ABC,s etc.) or not, doesn't really matter because EVERYTHING we read/do around them is educating them.

Watch the video on things to avoid when selecting books for toddlers, babies, and preschoolers:

Why is it important to select books carefully?

Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers are in “the absorbent mind” stage. This is the period from birth to about 6 years old where they literally absorb everything. And everything they absorb becomes part of who they'll eventually become.

Understanding baby and toddler brain waves:

Between 0-6 years old babies and children spend their time mostly in the Delta and Theta brain waves.

Between 0-2 years old, the Delta brain waves dominate. These are the lowest brain-wave cycle which we as adults typically really only experience in deep sleep. It's where our unconscious mind lies.

Some people equate this to being in a trance. It's deeper than our REM dream state. There's no critical thinking or judgment at this level. It's deeply restorative and healing. In Delta waves the mind is just recording, imprinting, and sorting everything.

Next come Theta brain waves where toddlers and children tend to spend most of their time between 2 to 6 years old. Theta waves are our subconscious mind.

Most adults have experience with this in the moments just before they fall asleep or wake up from a deep sleep. This is your dream state while in REM. You can also experience this state when in deep relaxation.

The subconscious mind is home to our deep rooted “operating system” if you will. It's where our limiting beliefs and views about ourselves, the world, and others are held.

In short:

Between 0-7ish years old, kids are absorbing EVERYTHING deep within their brains. They are developing their entire world view, personality, and perception. They are essentially on “record.”

Before 6-7 years old, children don't yet have the ability to logically think yet – heck, for part of their first year of life, they don't even have the ability to understand they are an individual separate from their primary care taker!

Between 1-3 years old, most toddlers are really just copying what they see (source + source). Basically being little scientists and trying on the different things they've seen to see how others react and how it feels for them – and that includes books and TV.

Since babies and toddlers tend to go through the same book over and over and over again, no matter WHAT we are reading to them – whether it’s meant to be educational or not – it is educating them.

It’s all getting imprinted into their subconscious. Again, it's how their limiting beliefs are formed. It’s how responses to the world are formed and so much more. So be VERY careful about selecting books until 7ish years old. After that, they can engage in a more critical discussion of the book so it becomes a different story.

Don't be afraid to sticky tack pages shut or come up with your own words if you disagree. I often rewrite my daughter's books.

I said it before, but I want to reiterate this:

When choosing books for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers look for books that remain NEUTRAL.

Meaning the books aren't teaching them how to respond or assigning meaning to events. Select books for preschoolers and young that don't teach them to deny themselves; or expose and normalize things you do not agree with.

Here are 3 examples to bring each of these to life:

Before we jump into the examples I want to preface by saying: it's not easy to find books that present information “neutrally.” In fact, I don't think I've found a single story book that I don't rewrite in some way.

We still read and love these books from Lovevery. I chose them because they are great examples of books, who at a glance are perfect, but when we think about human development during the 0-6 year old range, we can see how they can be improved.

• Bedtime for Zoe – teaches how to respond.

My daughter is a water baby. She dipped her toes in the ocean for the first time at 12 days old, and has been getting pummeled in the face by ocean waves and the shower since she was about 6 months old. She NEVER had an issue with water in her face.

When we started reading this book, I'd just hold the pages closed where Zoe gets water in her eyes and re-wrote the story a little. I did this for months and then one day found myself in conversation with friends, who also had the book, talking about how I disagreed with the way it “taught” children how to respond to water in the face as something to be disliked… My friends rolled their eyes at me like I was crazy, which I get, it's nuanced and small seeming in the grand scheme of things…

I wondered if I was being a bit too neurotic and then one day, tiredly read the story, showing every page as intended. And then I did it again. And again.

Sure enough, my daughter magically started freaking out if water touched her face within a week or two.

I kicked myself in that moment. I KNEW better.

For MONTHS my husband and I tried showing her getting water in our face was okay, but no luck.

It wasn't until she was watching her favorite TV show and one of the characters was swimming underwater in the ocean that she FINALLY relaxed. I told my husband how mesmerized she was with the scene, so the next day they watched it 5 times (per her request) and then went in the pool, he said, “Do you want to go underwater like Trash Truck?” and sure enough, she went under! Finally, we got her back to her old self!

I want to stress:

I know most authors have the best of intentions in mind and something like this is meant to reduce anxiety/help kids through the uncomfortable situation.

However I do need to caution parents, that this can be a chicken and the egg situation. Where the repeated visual can end up developing the problem.

Too often I see things that kids commonly struggle with on TV shows or in books and parents just write it off as a “normal phase” rather than looking for where it started. Choosing neutral books where your child can identify their own experience, verses identifying with the assigned meaning someone else gave that experience is a great way to reduce many issues IMO.

• Max & Nana Go To The Park – denies body autonomy and places it in authority figure

In this book, Max fall and hurts his knee. It reads:

“Max has fallen and hurt his knee. That happens sometimes. Nana cleans the ouchy part and puts a bandage on it.” – GREAT, I LOVE this! It's a neutral description of the events that happened and a sequence without emotion that children can expect, but assign their own value too unlike in the Zoe book!

But then it goes on to read, “Max is upset, but Nana knows a hug will make him feel better.”

Oof. so now we are both assigning meaning to falling down, not asking if that's the correct observation, AND teaching kids that adults/authority figures know what's best for their body and to accept touches, even if not asked.

What really pains me is the visual in this book, where the child's body language is actually pulling away from Nana (look at where his knees turn and how he closes his hands away from Nana while she pulls him in).

IMO this is a BIG deal.

First, when people touch us during an emotion it actually prevents us from fully processing the emotion. This can create a backlog in the body's nervous system and we often see it come out in depression or anxiety later. One of the first thing we'd teach people in establishing a safe group therapy environment was “let people feel their feelings. Hold space. Don't hold them.” The need to offer physical comfort is actually a form of codependency, where you think you can fix, rescue, or protect someone and are subtly saying, “you can't handle this on your own, so I'll handle it for you.” Honestly, I could go on and on about this but I won't because it leads us to an even bigger issue:

The scene in the book teaches kids that adults know what's best for their body; not them.

I'm not saying that there needs to be a full tilt into consent culture where Nana asks for the hug (though that would be NICE, but still disruptive to the emotional process of Max, so instead I'd prefer her to sit there and hold space). Instead, I've LOVE for the book to teach our kids that feelings are okay and they can ask for whatever they need whenever they are ready; versus accepting someone else assuming what they need is right.

Furthermore, in the book Off Limits: A Parent's Guide To Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse (which I highly recommend EVERY parent reads) – one of the FIRST things they talk about in raising children less likely to experience sexual abuse is to “allow children to choose how they demonstrate affection.”

In this section the authors go on to say, “a child who is not permitted to resist physical affection in a safe situation – kissing a doting grandparent – may have difficulty resisting physical affection in an unsafe situation.”

So not only are we teaching children that adults “know” what's best for their bodies, we are demonstrating this in a situation they likely feel vulnerable (being hurt) and not totally safe. It's like a double whammy IMO, triple when you really take in the child's body language, which our kids are doing, and quadruple when we acknowledge that it encourages codependency.

Again, I believe the intentions of Nana and the authors are good, but this is a book that specifically arrives when a child is 15(ish) months old. Where they are just on record imprinting and will want to read this 5000000 times. It would require too much effort on the parents part (and their brains aren't fully capable) of engaging in a critical conversation about other ways this situation could've gone. If this book was as it is for a child that's 7 years old, it'd be another story; but this for a 1 year old and isn't developmentally appropriate IMO.

NOTE: we do still read this book, I just sticky tacked the pages closed so I don't accidentally show it and an alternative caregiver doesn't accidentally read it to her.

• Making Muffins – exposes/normalizes something we (and most parents reportedly) don't agree with/want to limit our kids exposure to…

I know not everyone will care/agree with me on this but one thing that always baffles me in parenthood is that most parents I meet say they do not want their kids eating sugar – but the average 2-5 year old is consuming 13 teaspoons of refined white sugar a day. I couldn't find any data on children under 2, but I'd guess it's in the ballpark. This is MORE THAN TWICE the recommended limit of 6 teaspoons per day.

So how does it happen? It happens in books like this, TV shows, and every day exposure normalizing the use of it.

You can substitute apple sauce, bananas, maple syrup, dates, and so many other things when baking for sweetness that do not have the same health impacts as refined white sugar. By frequently exposing the child's subconscious mind to a visual of refined white sugar, it primes them to reach for it if/when the time comes compared to healthier alternatives.

Now of course, if you are baking at home regularly with your kids, you could overwrite this in their theta brain waves. However, most families are not baking as often as a child will likely request to read this book (which in my experience is a minimum of 15 times a week!).

It also plants the seed for them to”just accept it” as adults.

I think this is what we've seen playout where so many parents, who don't want their kids eating sugar, have just have grown to “accept it.” It's one uphill battle that many of us are just too tired to fight; especially when our kids are constantly being bombarded with text, imagery, visuals, and exposure to it.

So with that knowledge, I know I won't be able to shelter my kids from sugar entirely, but I can do my best to limit their exposure to it both in our kitchen AND in the books we read.

When flipping through books ask yourself…

Are they presenting information in a neutral way? Or is it assigning meaning/value and teaching the child how to respond?

This doesn't mean we bypass reality – I LOVED the line “Max has fallen and hurt his knee. That happens sometimes.” That's how we've always responded to my daughters falls and she really only cries if it was a BAD fall. It's a very different experience compared to kids who have been around adults who always gasp when their kids fall. The child learns to panic as well in those situations.

Again, this is about allowing them to assign their own value and experience to events; not others. Be VERY cautious about “milestone books” in this sense. For instance, books about a new baby or visiting the dentist. You don't want to create a “chicken and the egg situation (re: create stress by reading a scene in a book where a child felt anxious/upset like the Bedtime with Zoe example).

Is this empowering children or teaching them to deny themselves or creating limiting beliefs?

Does this fall in line with the values/beliefs I want my child to end up holding for themselves? About life experiences? Others? Food? The world? Etc.

As a mom, I often change the story of books I’m reading or skip certain pages that I don't want my child exposed to.

While I believe they are often written with the best of intentions, many don't take into account the developmental appropriateness for 1-3 year olds; or for preschoolers. In my experience, they employ critical thinking, judgement, or jump the gun on teaching emotional intelligence which is an entirely different post.

Final thoughts

I shared my content limits around books with you, but come up with your own too!

Follow your child and let them guide you to what they are interested in (e.g. dinosaurs, learning night time routines, whatever). They are their own best experts on their interest; however it's our job to observe them, set up a prepared environment for their interests, but also guide them within limits. Meaning just because they are interested in a book doesn't mean we have to read it exactly as it's written or look at every single page. Select what you read carefully and intentionally to give your child the best opportunity for defining their own lived experiences.

Don't stress if you get a book that you end up not agreeing with. You can either return it, donate it, or try to use your library more often before buying.